Elvis’ 1968 comeback special. Jesus Christ rising from the dead. The 1953 FA Cup Final. All of these could be deemed great comebacks and this weekend saw the rebirth of Fernando Torres against Chelsea, after he spent the early part of the season performing an impersonation of his shadow. Never one to avoid a populist headline, The Sun suggested his display showed that he has all the necessary requirements to once again be the best. Can he belt one out in the style of a big band singer though?

Headlines are usually a wonderful peak into the attached article. A brief summary of events. Sometimes though they focus on a tenuous link to the story for the benefit of an amusing headline and sometimes the Daily Star cuts off the bottom half of the headline to allow readers to let their imagination run wild. The labelling of Torres as sexy feebly related to the fact that Sex and the City star Kim Cattrall was present at Anfield at the weekend and depending on whether you’re a fan of the program and also lewd headlines, the hidden remainder of the headline could follow the smutty style of the show and that of the paper. It’s for the darkest depths of your imagination.

Didier Drogba cut a forlorn figure at Anfield. Starting from the bench due to an illness that was later confirmed as malaria and only introduced at half-time, the prolific striker was clearly still recovering from ill health. The Metro though had their own distinctive idea on what the root of the problem was and it seems that that he enjoyed the previous night a little too much, as he partied away in a snug flared white suit. Either that or had a fever on Saturday night, but that explanation doesn’t give the imagination such an enjoyable workout.

Far from being the dominant and effervescent United of old, Alex Ferguson’s team are having to grind out results in a team that seemingly lacks that special quality that they have oozed over the years. A steely midfield guard in the guise of Roy Keane is something they have longed for since his departure all those years ago and the arrival of Owen Hargreaves seemed to have plugged that gap. The England internationals return from serious injury against Wolves only lasted five minutes though, as he was once again seen limping from the field. Thankfully he’ll be able to take comfort in the Daily Star affording him two puns on their back page.

Having become accustomed to consistency under Martin O’Neill, as the Irishman guided the club to three consecutive sixth place finishes, Villa fans have had a mixed start to the season, as the club adjusts to a new era under Gerard Houllier. Seemingly fans are not alone in their discomfort, as cumbersome and troublesome striker John Carew has struggled to adapt to the change and is seemingly being shipped out of the club by a manager who has already sold him once in his career during his time at Lyon. Cue a pun from The Sun and an unconvincing hard-man scowl from the cuddly Houllier.

In recent seasons West Ham have become perennial relegation battlers in the mould of Southampton and Wimbledon during their most recent tenures in the top flight, as they have repeatedly escaped from the jaws of the dreaded drop. This season looks like being another nail-biter for fans, as the club find themselves rooted to the foot of the league table and are under the stewardship of a manager with the worst win record in the clubs history. To add insult to injury The Sun have given Avram Grant a nickname that I’m sure will not be greatly received in this time of concern at Upton Park.

The Manchester derby has seemingly taken on an extra significance since the arrival of the $heikh and a host of international stars at City and rival gaffer Alex Ferguson has alluded to this himself. A master of mind-games, the United manager has been known to toy with his opposition with clever word play, but according to a Daily Star headline he opted for a brash approach this time and has demanded to see his opposite numbers crown jewels, although I’m not sure what the benefit of this will be.

As can be the way with an eagerly anticipated encounter, the excitement that precedes the occasion can sometimes outshine the main event and this was certainly the case during Wednesday’s Manchester derby. The game was a drab lifeless affair with few redeeming features, leading The Sun to focus on the effects of the result on the league and a questionable act being performed on Rio Ferdinand’s person. It appears to be consensual though, because as of yet no charge of inappropriate conduct has been brought against Tevez.

Squeaky bum time is a common term in football to denote when someone is shifting uncomfortably in their seat for whatever reason. Manchester United have found themselves in such awkward situations this season, but have usually managed to wriggle free, but The Sun felt that that the standard tried-and-tested phrase didn’t adequately describe their spongy defence. Instead they opted for something with connotations of diarrhea and picture of Ferguson looking uncomfortable.