Week in headlines: United to sign Neuer keeper, Crystal Palace player gets plastered, Barca and Real battle through Hell Clasico and Prince William scores

Whilst news at the front of the papers this week has had to play second fiddle to a fella with a disproportionately large forehead marrying an attractive girl, the tabloids have been free to assert their humour on the world of football over the past week.

Big Cup semi-finals have occupied many column inches and surprisingly one of them didn’t even contain an English team.

This didn’t matter to the red tops though who gleefully waded their way through the week’s news with a focused intent on adding a pun where possible.

This is the week that was in headlines.

The Daily Mail rarely venture into the world of humour, unless it’s at the expense of one of them foreigners. Their approach is usually to focus on the severe moral decline of the country and punctuate this with Royalist news and pictures of zoo animals wearing dungarees. However, Wednesday’s ugly El Clasico Big Cup semi-final forced a change in their approach and thankfully it was refreshingly witty and enjoyable.

Pots of cash have failed to deliver City to the summit of the league this season and fulfil their much hyped potential. However, their FA cup semi-final victory over their city rivals has given them a much needed boost and they now look likely to secure a spot in the Big Cup next season. This has admittedly been aided by Spurs inability to win in recent games, but this won’t concern Roberto Mancini’s team, as they’re now heading towards their goal courtesy of Edin Dzeko’s winner at Blackburn, something which The Metro delighted in pointing out.

Long gone are the days when footballers fuelled themselves for a big game with a cheeky snifter or two of the hard stuff, as modern players have replaced the vulnerable charms of former heroes Paul McGrath and Gazza, with a devotion to physical and mental fitness. However, the London Evening Standard revelled in re-living these times following the performance of Crystal Palace’s James Vaughn, who played with his arm in plaster, and possibly his other hand on a pint.

Despite the best punning efforts of The Mirror’s Derek McGovern, the advice to have a flutter on Schalke seems increasingly foolish, especially after their decision to deploy cardboard cut-outs of their players in the first leg of their semi-final with United.

In contrast, Tuesday’s edition of the Guardian’s tea-time e-mail The Fiver was in no doubt that United would progress to the final with ease and they even courteously expressed their thoughts in faux-Deutsch, so that readers from the continent would be in no doubt as to their opinion.

There was much to admire in United’s thumping of Schalke, but little positive could be said of their hosts, whose fear on the night was all too evident. One man did separate himself from his forgettable team-mates though and that was keeper Manuel Neuer. He reportedly attracted the interest of the watching Alex Ferguson, with his his heroic display in goal that kept the scoreline at a respectable 2-0 and also provided the Daily Star with a pun on a plate.

Although, if the Daily Mail are to be believed, the deal has already hit the skids, but that could just be part of their xenophobic right-wing ethos.

In case you hadn’t noticed Prince William and Kate Middleton were married on Friday. If somehow you managed to skilfully evade the extensive national coverage of the event that could have smothered a herd of elephants then you were fortunate. Snaps of the couple in numerous boring locations adorned all the nationals in the run up to their wedding. Thankfully the Daily Star at least approached the event with a sense of humour when reporting the surprising sight of William having a kick-about with mates, instead of the usual ahhing and cooing that’s been so popular and prevalent.

The Daily Mail wrote “Andy Townsend has told how he was threatened in a Madrid restaurant after irate Real fans mistook him for Champions League referee Wolfgang Stark.” Oh, how I’d have loved to have seen that.

Tags: Barcelona, Crystal Palace, El Clasico, Manchester United, Premier League, Real Madrid, UEFA Champions League