Martin Keown’s presence on Match of the Day is chillingly entertaining

Match of the Day has its problems. It’s a format that has changed little since the first episode in August 1964, while increased competition from Sky and the tactical nous of Gary Neville have rendered a lot of the programme’s analysis passé and predictable, much like the adjective driven analysis of Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen.

Despite the show’s obvious faults though, it remains an excellent source of football for those without a satellite subscription and this season the programme makers have even begun to entertain different ways to present the same old information.

Refreshed graphics, pitch-side discussion, interviews and new faces in the pundits’ chairs have all contributed to preventing the show from emanating an even staler whiff.

Former Arsenal and England defender, Martin Keown, is one such pundit who occasionally breaks the monotony of the same old faces appearing every Saturday night. However, while the appearance of someone new - offering new opinions - is a welcome sight, Keown’s input usually strikes the fear of god into all unfortunate enough to lock eyes with him.

Greeting every question with a burning intensity, Keown’s answers are spoken in such a serious tone that it’s easy to believe someone’s life depends on the impact of his words.

His eyes are wide, drawing you into his sombre world of football reporting, shattering the audience’s belief that this is actually something far more serious than a couple of chaps discussing the weekend’s football.

Disguised behind a well manicured beard and a John Lewis suit, he at least distracts attention away from Shearer’s penchant for disturbingly revealing shirts and spray on tans.

Keown is a wolf in sheep’s clothing though and no disguise can hide his scary intensity, which is likely to present at the Brazil World Cup this summer.

The attempt to soften him up for a broad mainstream appeal has unfortunately failed, as if putting Attila the Hun in a cute pink tutu might soften the impact of his murderous rampage.

While the former defender’s words and analysis are on occasion well observed and creative, his eyes will have already penetrated your nervous system by the time he reaches a conclusion.

Despite spending the duration of his analysis paralyzed by fear of Keown reaping havoc from within the television set in a recreation of the Steven Spielberg film Poltergeist, his presence is still more welcome than that of the awful Alans.

So, in spite of Keown’s burning intensity intruding on my very soul, the frightening analysis remains welcome when compared the banality usually on offer. Let it be known henceforth, that Saturday night is now fright night, if Keown is gracing Match of the Day.

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