When did co-commentary become such a serious and miserable business?

“Where’s the referee from?” asked Mark Lawrenson pointedly with all the passive aggressive malice of someone asserting their nationalist superiority over someone from a country where they don’t have bacon, eggs, and chips for breakfast.

The game was Belgium v Panama and after already channelling Grandpa Simpson by claiming that free-kicks take too long, it was clear that Lawro wasn’t budging from his position as the miserable co-commentator who is perpetually determined to cancel any party plans you might have already made.

He’s not alone though, with Martin Keown and Danny Murphy regularly joining in the chorus of despair as they relentlessly offer a thick soup of gloom alongside an overload of sincerity when discussing football.

“How can that be offside? He’s only marginally offside,” said Keown as Jesse Lingard was put through in the opening minutes of England’s game against Tunisia, as he desperately searched for the killer contribution to Guy Mowbray’s commentary. Instead, he tied himself up in a series of boorish nonsensical knots in between peculiarly heavy breathing into the microphone and simultaneously ringing a number he found in a grubby Moscow phone box.

It didn’t used to be like this though. The co-commentary position wasn’t always full of desperately earnest former pros who have either lost any love they might have had for the game, or are so relentlessly career driven - in the case of Murphy and Keown - that they’ve forgotten what their contribution to the game now is.

“He can’t hit it over the wall,” said Murphy shortly before Ronaldo did just that to conclude a thrilling game between Portugal and Spain. As if trying to replicate the seriousness with which they took their playing career, both attack punditry with a straight face as they look for approval from their peers for their knowledge, but for me Clive, that’s not always necessary.

Ally McCoist nailing his colours to the mast on the basis of an exceptional omelette #myhero pic.twitter.com/W3ZS2D73Lh

— Leon Patterson (@leonJPatterson) June 18, 2018

Ally McCoist has been one co-commentator at the World Cup who has not been desperately trying to speak with the authority of someone outlining the itinerary of an arduous meeting and revelling in their assumed power.

Instead of parroting the thoughts and tone of the main commentator, McCoist appears blissfully happy to enthusiastically share his opinions, anecdotes from his playing days, and his unwavering love for the omelette that the Swedish team chef knocked up for him on the morning of their game against South Korea.

He’s far from the complete package though, Clive. But, he does avoid the pompous self-importance of Murphy and Keown and instead revels in the enthusiasm that has been shared by the army of football fans that are fit to burst at the prospect of three games per day.

If only he wasn’t alone. If only there was someone with over 15 years of experience in and around the number two commentary spot who offers a more even and balanced opinion than your Keowns, Murphys, and Lawrensonss of this world.

If only there was someone who might not even be that good in the cold light of day, but for me Clive, avoids the temptation of self-aggrandizing, isn’t relentlessly serious at every turn, isn’t a closet racist, and isn’t completely humourless. If only, but where?

Image courtesy of pxhere

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